The Guilty Silent

 I didn't see it coming.  I didn't even know it was still there.   It crept up on me this morning very unexpected.  Those raw, unhealed emotions from fighting to get appropriate services for Kai.  Today I spoke at Kai's former school Northern Voices about our experience in advocating for Kai with the school district.   Two other parents spoke also, but I was the only one that broke down and cried while I spoke.   The tears came so unexpectedly, totally unannounced.   Why am I not done with it?   Kai is getting an appropriate education, I need to move on...but the sadness remains.   What happened to Kai by the school district makes me feel dismayed, discouraged and  disheartened.  My faith in humanity has been ratcheted down several notches since.   I am so saddened when I think about the year that therapist came into our home on a weekly basis and provided services to Kai.   They were able to get to know the wonderful unique him, but chose to do absolutely nothing to help get him appropriate services for his needs.  There was never a voice from any of them to say "Hey, wait a minute this child NEEDS an appropriate education for a child with hearing loss.  This child is not being served correctly and we need to make this right."  There was never a behind closed door support for my position, or support from mother to mother.  I consider every person who sat at Kai's IEP in silence as the Guilty Silent.  The Guilty Silent agreed for him to languish in a room with all non-verbal children that have no hope to ever speak because of the severity of their needs.   Now I wonder if those children have more potential but everybody remained silent and nobody advocated for them.     The hardest part for me is that I had such a deep respect for all of the Guilty Silent therapist that worked with Kai.  Every single one of them is a mom, is a seasoned professional and truly is one of the best in her field.   We have seen both private and public therapist and our school district has the best.   Obviously, being the best at a speciality does not automatically give you a moral compass.   Do you think I am being too harsh???   Perhaps.  

Actually, the root of the sadness doesn't lie in what happened last year, it lies in the future.  These will be the easiest times for Kai in navigating the outside world.   He has a hearing person's voice, my voice speaking for him, he is a beautiful, innocent little child, with an abundance of joy and happiness.  As he grows older he is going to be a vulnerable adult.   Easy for people to prey upon because of his hearing loss, lack of speech, developmental delay and of course his Ataxia.   I'm frightened.  I'm frightened that these people who have held him on their laps, laughed with him, seen him grow could not find the compassion to help him get the services that he so desperately deserved but more importantly needed.    So if  the Guilty Silent couldn't find it in their hearts, how can I ever expect and believe that the rest of the world will be kind to my very special son?  This is where my tears lie...