An Ass Kicking!

Historically, I have been guilty of digging my head deep into the sand and not dealing with issues head on.  Let me tell you, when your head is buried, the other end is way up in the air, which means someone is going to come along and kick you in the ass!  Not always a good way to go through life!!!  

So basically, that is what happened to me once we got home from China with Hugo.   The day after we got home, our Dodge Ram Truck, sponanteously combusted in the driveway.   Bam!  A kick in the ass!  We were already emotionally and physically exhausted and watching our truck go up in flames just added a new level of exhaustion to the entire family.    The kids school had started while we were in China and I felt that I needed to get Bei and Kai into school as soon as possible.   Well, Kai who has always loved school, decided that he didn't want to go to school this year.   I spent the first several weeks, cajoling and then ultimately, carrying him into school every day kicking and crying.  Bam!!  A kick in the ass!  That kid is big and strong!!!   I would be in tears by the time I got back to the car to find Hugo in total meltdown mode with Bei trying to soothe him.  Bam!!! Another kick in the ass!   Oh, did I mention that every time Hugo got into the car, he puked his brains out???   Bam!   A kick in the ass!  Hugo was also having huge problems at even the thought of going to bed each night.   Kai also started having severe allergic reactions to EVERYTHING!!!  Bam!  A kick in the ass!   The poor kid was living on Benedryl and there were many days that he just couldn't go to school.  I didn't know what the heck was going on with him.  My house was a disaster!  I still had not done laundry from China and I couldn't seem to either get motivated or find the time to do it.   Yet, when you saw me, I would put on the happy face and tell you that everything was going great!

As much as our adoption of Hugo was Christ led, when I meet Christ in Heaven he might knock on my forehead and say "knock, knock puddin head, what were you thinking?" He will say, "I gave you a brain to use, why didn't you prepare for your homecoming?"   It is one of those situations where I just didn't think of any of the details or the what if's.   Now, looking back I think I dug my head in the sand because there were so many reason's why NOT to adopt that the logic and the detail may have put too much doubt and fear into my mind.

The good news is that I eventually pulled my head from the sand, therefore, my arse was reposition.  The lesson I learned was to prepare for when you get home.  Dan wouldn't have gone back to work on Day One.  I would have kept Bei and Kai home another week to help with the jet lag and adjustment of having a new brother.   I would have had Kai start kindergarten doing half days rather than full days.   I also would have asked my mom or someone to come stay and just help me keep the house running.   In the end getting a good ass kicking every now and then is good for the soul.  It is how we learn to be better people and to do better next time.    I put my head in the sand because it allowed us to adopt Hugo!  He has been a huge blessing in our lives in more ways than I could have ever imagined!  

God Knew...

God knew something that we didn't know...there was missing piece to our family.   His name was Zhou Xiao Hua and he was waiting in China for us to come and get him.   Hugh had to wait 6 long years for us, but we have to believe that God's timing is perfect.   Hugh has added so much to our lives and we have only been together for 33 days!   He and Kai have become playmates.  They play, they laugh, they squeal and every now and then they fight, but they are brothers.   Hugh is learning how to share which is a little bit more difficult for him.   Hugh and Bei are connecting on different levels, video games, playing ball, origami.  Sometimes, Hugh goes up to Bei and hugs him randomly and I am teaching Bei to hug back.  He is not use to having a brother love on him like that!   Another awesome connection has been between Bei and Kai.  They are connecting more and playing more.  Today, Dan took Bei and Kai out on the boat and to the beach.   Kai is so proud to be one of the big boys!  Hugh and I stayed at the cabin because he wasn't feeling well.

We have had Hugh's eyes checked and he is getting glasses sometime this week.   I asked for an interpreter so that we made sure that we got the right prescription for him from the get go.   The interpreter was fantastic.  He was a sweet Chinese man who is living here on a green card and works at the University.   Anyway, we were able to ask Hugh specific questions through the interpreter.   We asked him if he missed China.   He told the interpreter, yes, because he has 5 very close friends that he misses very much!   We asked if he ever left the orphanage and he told us that he went swimming and the kids would gang up on the nannies with water squirt guns to get them wet.  We asked him if he liked living with us and if he was happy.   He said, yes that mama and baba are very nice.   We also asked the interpreter to explain to him that he is our forever son and he is not going back to the orphanage ever.  That he will live with us and be our son.   The interpreter told us that Hugh was somewhat confused about that but is happy he is not going back.  I also told him to tell him not to be afraid at night, that I will keep him safe and I will sleep with him.    Since the interpreter talked with Hugh, we've noticed that he is happier and going to sleep much better.    The interpreter also told us that Hugh's Mandarin is very good and he is very articulate.   He said he is quick and smart.   Dan and I are really considering getting a Mandarin tutor so that he can keep his language.
Speaking of language, he is picking up English very well.

So many times people say to us, that the boys are lucky to have us.  Believe me, we are the lucky ones!   And once again, God has blessed us with a little boy that was meant to be our son and the brother to Bei and Kai!   God knew!!!

Hugo!!

I can not express how AWESOME this little boy is!!!   Both Dan and I are totally smitten with him.  He has Dan totally wrapped around his little finger.   He loves to be outside with his Daddy working in the garage or putzing around the lawn.   He is incredibly sweet!   When I wash my hands after going the bathroom, he praises me and says "Good Job Mama".    He likes to say "No, Thank You".  I think he learned that one on Thomas the Train DVD.    He already knows the tune to Thomas the Train and Signing Times with Alex and Leah.  You will find him singing either tune randomly during the day...in tune...I might add.  He LOVES music!  He talks in Chinese to us but the translator doesn't do a very good job translating it.  Many times the translation has nothing to do with the topic at hand.   He seems to understand English really well.   He knows all of his ABC's and likes to draw.   His muscles are weak at the moment but I think he will make a good gymnast.  He loves to hang and climb on things like a little monkey.   This little guy can entertain himself for hours!!  He is creative and plays by himself for hours, if I let him.   He is a dream!  We are feeling incredibly blessed to have him in our life.

He struggled with going to bed at night but has gotten better the past few nights.   Now, tonight he regressed and wanted to be downstairs on the couch to fall asleep.   It breaks my heart that he is so afraid that he can't find comfort with me sleeping next to him.   We are moving in the right direction.

One of the neat things about Hugh's orphanage is that there is an American Sponsored school right at the orphanage.   It is sponsored by a company in California.  I don't know the back story to it yet, but want to look into the impetus of a school being sponsored by an American company.   Anyway, as you all know we named our little boy Hugh because his Chinese name was Hua and we thought they would sound similar.   Well, Hua is actually pronounced Qwua...like Quagmire.   The day of adoption we received several folders full of Hugh's American school work.   The American name they had given him was Hugo!   We were so close!!  So if we call him Hugh...he will say "No! Hugo!   Hugo rolls off my tongue easily and if it makes him happy, we will do it.   When he came to the US as a host child, I don't know why they changed his name to Diego.   To me that doesn't make any sense.

I can't wait until family and friends start to meet Hugo!  He is still displaying a lot of orphanage behavior in the kissing department.  Hugging and kissing people at Kai's school and trying to kiss the few people that we have introduced him to.   So be forewarned, that we really need people to redirect him and tell him kisses are only for mama and baba (dad).

Connecting

What a day makes in bonding and attachment. We arrived home at 5:40 a.m. on Thursday morning and having been dealing with jet lag. Hugh has been happy during the day but crying unconsolably at night. Sadly, he wouldn't let me comfort him. He would cry "oopa" which means I am afraid. Our China guide shared with us that the nannies would scare the children into sleeping by telling them if they didn't fall asleep, the big bad wolf would come and eat them. She said it is a common custom in China, to scare children to sleep. He did great during the day but the minute we mentioned bedtime, he would get this look of terror on his face and shake his head no. We had to force it a few times because we all need sleep! Well last night, Kai had fallen asleep early, Bei was keeping busy and Dan, Hugh and I hung out on our deck. We had music playing and we all danced a little bit. Several days ago, I downloaded a voice translation app, so that Hugh and I could speak to one another. We used the translation app to tell him that we were going to be his forever mom and dad. He would never have to go back to the orphanage. That we loved him. He thought he was smart and beautiful. We were so happy that he was our son. We told him he didn't have to be scared to go to bed. That we would keep him safe. I swear I saw the lightbulb go on in his brain. When we went to bed that night, he gave me kisses, laid down next to me and fell fast asleep. He slept through the night and was a happy, silly boy! He is just a joy! Now, tonight a day later he struggled a little more but we didn't have that down time with him to reassure him. But he sought comfort from Dan and he fell asleep in Dan's arms. We are learning what works for him. He is fitting into our family perfectly! He is a sweet, sweet little boy!

3rd and 4th Day

Last night Hugh sobbed, he just collapsed in Dan's arms as Dan was telling him how much he loved him and was kissing him.  It is almost as if he exhaled and it all came out.   He cried hard and was inconsolable for a bit and fought going to bed.  I just laid next to him and he finally put his two favorite fingers in his mouth, started sucking and fell fast asleep.   I have been co-sleeping with him and he will wake up and make sure I am still there.   This morning he woke up, ran over to me and we kissed and hugged.   He woke up very happy.   It will be interesting to see how tonight works out.  

Today was Hugh's medical appointment.  Let me tell you he was a trooper!  He didn't even cry when they he had a blood draw.   Basically, he appears to be healthy but has really bad eye sight which his host mom forewarned me.  

I am just amazed at how well the 3 kids are getting along.   While we waited for the medical appointment the boys played cars.  All three of them were laughing incredibly hard, just having a great time together.   Today, Kai started showing some of his rigidness.  While serving dinner tonight, Kai counted the number of sausage I served Hugh and made sure that I served him the exact same amount.   Same for the grapes and carrots…I told him I am not playing that game and we aren't counting every time I dole out food.   We will see who wins that battle…sometimes his rigidness just wears me down and he wins.  

We also had the joy of witnessing Hugh's motion sickness today, puke and all!   Dava Thomas shared with me that Hugh had motion sickness and she is right.   He has been using SeaBand's on his wrist which have worked but today somehow he ended up in the back seat of a mini-van.  The traffic in Guangzhou is awful, a lot of jerky motions and it was inevitable that he would get sick.  The worst was the Tanzmanian Devil (Kai) decided to melt down at the same time.  I am sure our guide wanted to escape that car.   It was not a fun car ride.   Dan handled Hugh because puke is honestly more preferable than dealing with the Tanzanian Devil.   We made it back to the hotel and we went and had a very expensive lunch of over $100 because we were so desperate to feed the T-Devil.

Kai has been wonderful in ways, by including Hugh and wanting to engage him. But any trip outside the hotel usually means that he will go into melt down mode.  On the fourth day we decided to go to Shamian Island, which is the island that all adoptive families use to be on for their adoption trip.   There are a lot of cute shops and a place called Lucy that serves good American Food.   Have I mentioned how oppressive the heat is here with the humidity.   Me, a person that boast that I never sweat had perspiration running down her back.  It was the perfect storm for Kai to have a tantrum and he had a doozy!    While we are driving back to the hotel, Bei says I want to go to the zoo tomorrow and I thought to myself, he, Dan and Hugh will have a great time, because there is no way I am going with the Tanzamanian Devil.   I love the kid, but he can be a handful!   Hugh is very easy by the way.   

Tomorrow is a free day and we want to stay by the pool.  Right now, at 5:00 in the morning it is storming.  The pool has been closed 2 of the 5 days we have been here.   Not a good thing when you have three little kids, because there is nothing else to do in this oppressive heat.  

Friday Hugh gets his TB vaccinations read to make sure he doesn't have TB.    

The Processing of Love

I find myself at a different place with Hugh, than the other two adoptions.   Falling in love with a 6 year old versus a 27 month old  and a 14 month old with lots of needs is just a different process.   One of the things I needed to do is to go back and try to imagine Hugh's history.  The bad stuff, the laying in a crib for so many hours during a day that your head is incredibly misshaped.  The many times that he was sick with no mama or daddy to comfort him, to hold him when his throat was so sore and he had a fever.  When his teeth were coming in and he cried excessively did anybody give him something to soothe his pain.   I need to roll around in his life story and remember where he has been and what has happened to him.  For me, it helps me process his story and build my love for not just an ordinary 6 year old, but an extraordinary 6 year old who has survived things that no 6 year old should have to in a life time.   

If I  think I am  just adopting a 6 year old from an orphanage, I would be doing a huge disservice to Hugh in the long run.  My expectations would be of a 6 year old who was born and raised in America.   For me, I need to go to those bad places in his life to see that he needs to feel the love like a baby feels the love from his mom.  I need to meet his basic needs first and move from there.   He needs to know my love for him is secure and I need to do that by rolling around in the pain and trauma he has experienced. 

I don't know if this makes sense to the average person, but it is my way to process the adoption of my little guy.  

Second Day

Today we went to the civil affairs office and Hugh became a permanent member of our family.   He is a joyful little boy.   I am so incredibly impressed with Kai and the fact that it has been 2 days and there has been no jealousy!  He has exceeded my expectations in so many ways.   I see him trying to connect with Hugh and some of the time Hugh will accept, other times he doesn't want to hold hands.  Kai is really good at taking turns and it something we taught Hugh all day.  Overall he did well with it.  Bei has been a champion big brother.   Playing with Hugh and keeping him occupied while we had paperwork to do.   The two of them play catch with a stuffed animal while Kai cheered them on, laughing the entire time.  Hugh is a sweet little boy.  Easy going but independent.  He wants to do most things himself.  Tonight he grieved for the first time.   I asked him to give Dan a hug and kiss before bed time and Dan held him telling him how much he loved him and was kissing him.  With that Hugh's body went limp and he just started sobbing.   I went and hugged them, but he wanted to stay on Dan's lap.   There has to be so much going on in that little boys head.  So much grief and fear.  Another mom told me that he may be afraid to go to sleep because things might change when he wakes up.   There is so much healing that needs to take place with that little guy.   He is incredibly lovable, we just need to meet his needs of where he is at.